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descoladores.
She isn't saying anything, Miro realized, because she doesn't want to be seen to
push. Push what? Push whom?
Val. She can't be seen to push Val, because ... because the only way to let Jane
have one of Ender's bodies was for him to freely give it up. And it had to be
truly free -- no pressure, no guilt, no persuasion -- because it wasn't a
decision that could be made consciously. Ender had decided that he wanted to
share Mother's life in the monastery, but his unconscious mind was far more
interested in the translation project here and in whatever it is Peter's doing.
His unconscious choice reflected his true will. If Ender is to let go of Val, it
has to be his desire to do it, all the way to the core of him. Not a decision
out of duty, like his decision to stay with Mother. A decision because that is
what he really wants.
Miro looked at Val, at the beauty that came more from deep goodness than from
regular features. He loved her, but was it the perfection of her that he loved?
That perfect virtue might be the only thing that allowed her -- allowed Ender in
his Valentine mode -- to willingly let go and invite Jane in. And yet once Jane
arrived, the perfect virtue would be gone, wouldn't it? Jane was powerful and,
Miro believed, good -- certainly she had been good to him, a true friend. But
even in his wildest imaginations he could not conceive of her as perfectly
virtuous. If she started wearing Val, would she still be Val? The memories would
linger, but the will behind the face would be more complicated than the simple
script that Ender had created for her. Will I still love her when she's Jane?
Why wouldn't I? I love Jane too, don't I?
But will I love Jane when she's flesh and blood, and not just a voice in my ear?
Will I look into those eyes and mourn for this lost Valentine?
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Why didn't I have these doubts before? I tried to bring this off myself, back
before I even half understood how difficult it was. And yet now, when it's only
the barest hope, I find myself -- what, wishing it wouldn't happen? Hardly that.
I don't want to die out here. I want Jane restored, if only to get starflight
back again -- now that's an altruistic motive! I want Jane restored, but I also
want Val unchanged.
I want all bad things to go away and everybody to be happy. I want my mommy.
What kind of childish dolt have I become?
Val was looking at him, he suddenly realized. "Hi," he said. The others were
looking at him, too. Looking back and forth between him and Val. "What are we
all voting on, whether I should grow a beard?"
"Voting on nothing," said Quara. "I'm just depressed. I mean, I knew what I was
doing when I got on this ship, but damn, it's really hard to get enthusiastic
about working on these people's language when I can count my life by the gauge
on the oxygen tanks."
"I notice," said Ela dryly, "that you're already calling the descoladores
'people.'"
"Shouldn't I? Do we even know what they look like?" Quara seemed confused. "I
mean, they have a language, they --"
"That's what we're here to decide, isn't it?" said Firequencher. "Whether the
descoladores are raman or varelse. The translation problem is just a little step
along that road."
"Big step," corrected Ela. "And we don't have time enough to do it."
"Since we don't know how long it's going to take," said Quara, "I don't see how
you can be so sure of that."
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"I can be dead sure," said Ela. "Because all we're doing is sitting around
talking and watching Miro and Val make soulful faces at each other. It doesn't
take a genius to know that at this rate, our progress before running out of
oxygen will be exactly zero."
"In other words," said Quara, "we should stop wasting time." She turned back to
the notes and printouts she was working on.
"But we're not wasting time," said Val softly.
"No?" asked Ela.
"I'm waiting for Miro to tell me how easily Jane could be brought back into
communication with the real world. A body waiting to receive her. Starflight
restored. His old and loyal friend, suddenly a real girl. I'm waiting for that."
Miro shook his head. "I don't want to lose you," he said.
"That's not helping," said Val. [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]