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It was Hauser s turn to look away.  So. She will quickly be disillu-
sioned.
 Lies have a way of coming home to roost.
 Like the crows on the roof, which should have awakened me, and
didn t. Is there any more of that whisky? I d prefer schnapps, but beg-
gars aren t choosers.
 It won t settle well on an empty stomach. Rutledge got up, taking
out the bread and the sausage, cutting off a chunk, adding a slice of
cheese to make a sandwich for Hauser. Then he went out to the motor-
car and brought in the Thermos of hot tea he d asked the hotel to put
up for him.
Hauser eyed it with interest, but laughed when Rutledge poured it
and he saw it was tea.  How the English can drink tea is beyond a
European s imagination. But it is hot, and just now, I am grateful.
Rutledge laced the tea with a little whisky and passed it to Hauser.
 Tea-drinking Englishmen defeated your armies, if you remember.
 No, it was the Americans did that. We couldn t fight all of you.
What do they drink, the Yanks?
 Bourbon, I expect, Rutledge answered, and was silent while
Hauser got down the food and most of the tea.
Seeming to be a little stronger after that, the German said,  You
don t know what to do with me. I m a problem, like a dead horse.
a fearsome doubt 213
 The truth is, Rutledge told him,  I have you just where I want
you. For the moment. We can t seem to lay hands on the man who
stabbed you. Is he up the stairs under one of the sheet-shrouded beds?
Hauser laughed.  See for yourself. No one will stop you.
 The outbuildings, then?
The laughter faded.  I have killed no one. I was the one who was as-
saulted, if you remember.
 Describe him, then. This man.
Hauser frowned.  He was perhaps my height. And there was some-
thing wrong with the way he walked I overtook him easily. Or per-
haps he was intoxicated.
Rutledge considered the drunk he himself had brought in. Had
Holcomb armed himself with a knife, since then?
Hauser was saying,  At any rate, I was soon catching him up. He
crossed the road then, and I expected to pass by on my side with no more
than a nod.
 Did he speak to you?
 No. When I was even with him, he came at me with the knife. I
didn t see it in his hand at first. He was on me and the knife was already
cutting my chest. I ve told you this already  The frown deepened.
 What is it?
 I don t know. I would have said he was not a common laborer on
his way home. He There was something in the way he moved. I don t
know 
 Where did he go after he stabbed you?
 I have no idea. He was there and he was gone.
 On foot?
 I was too busy just then to care. Hauser finished the tea and then,
setting the cup aside, he said,  I ve been wounded before. I know the drill.
 Yes.
Hamish was stirring in the back of Rutledge s mind.
Hauser said,  What is it that haunts you? I ask, because whatever
it was, it nearly got me killed in France. And it could very well get me
killed here.
Rutledge stood up, searching in the cupboards for a pitcher.  Will
you be able to manage for a few more hours? I ll draw some water for
214 charles todd
you, and set the tins of food on the table with the bread and what s left
of the sausage, where you can reach them.
 That s very kind of you. Still watching Rutledge, Hauser said,  Is
it because I know about France that you re afraid to take me to the lo-
cal police? I ve had some time to think about this matter, you see. It s
either that, or you re worried about Mrs. Mayhew s reputation.
 Or perhaps, Rutledge said, walking toward the door,  having killed
one innocent man, I ve found it the easiest way to do my business. Like a
tiger that s tasted the meat of a human being, I ve learned to like it.
Hauser waited until Rutledge was about to close the door, then said,
 I had nightmares long before the war was finished. I saw the dead
come back for me. And my weapon jammed, and I realized that I
couldn t stop them anyway, they were already dead. I woke up scream-
ing. I lied and said that I hated rats running across my legs. I don t know
whether my men believed me or not. I suppose the blood of heroes had
run thin by my generation. I was not the stuff of soldiers. I was a farmer,
like the man who must have built this house. I understand him far bet-
ter than I understand generals.
It was in a way a confession, but Rutledge couldn t in turn bring out
the shadows that tormented him. He couldn t speak of Hamish and the
Somme. Or that blind and terrible walk through the German lines.
Shutting the door behind him, he could still hear the voice of the
man in the kitchen.  You will not heal until you face your nightmares.
A priest told me that, and he was right.
Rutledge found the pump and brought the filled pitcher back to the
kitchen, setting it on the table.
 Not all demons can be exorcised, he told Hauser.
 No. I do not envy you, my friend!
Rutledge ignored the German s parting shot.
Rutledge spent half an hour making a concentrated search of
the outbuildings. Blotting out his fatigue and the emotional upheaval
that was the aftermath of reliving his own disgrace, he felt clearly the
numbness of a year ago, as if in bringing it into the open, he had released
the pent-up mass of it into the present.
a fearsome doubt 215
What did it matter? he thought wearily. I ve failed so often, what
does it matter?
There was work to be done, and he could do that. Try to do that.
Until someone found out how hollow he was, and replaced him. . .
 And Ben Shaw? Hamish asked quietly. [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]